UNDERSTANDING “I”

UNDERSTANDING “I”

Every human "I" experiences at least 3 experiential senses of self, sometimes called "ego states."

Our
TAUGHT/FELT/THOUGHT

For instance, notice how the 3 senses of self exist in a juvenile delinquent's statement:

"I knew we were harming the old woman; (THOUGHT)

we shouldn't have hurt her; (TAUGHT)

but I felt like it."* (FELT)


Or another way of describing our 3 ego states of TAUGHT/FELT/THOUGHT:

CONSCIENCE/EMOTION/REASON

Or

RECEIVE/EXPERIENCE/COMPUTE

Or in more abstract terms:

RELIGION/MYSTICISM/SKETICISM

This is adapted from Dr. Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis. His creative, life-changing theory of the human psyche
was transformational for millions of people in the last 60 years. Dr. Berne demonstrated keen insight into human nature
in his books such as Games People Play.

Sometimes his terms got misapplied or misunderstood however.

For instance, in his effort to get away from psychoanalytical abstract terms--and displaying a sense of playfullness--Berne defined
the inner realities of the
Human Psyche as

“PARENT” (implanted instructions from adults)

"CHILD" (creative, how we felt as a child, and feel experientially now)

"ADULT" (fact-checking now)

Berne wrote that these senses of "I" were real and experiential, not abstract descriptions such as earlier psychologists and psychiatrists had termed
3 divisions of the human psyche.



For examples, Sigmund Freud's abstract terms:
SUPER-EGO or CONSCIENCE
ID (BERNE’S “Little Fascist”)
EGO or CONSCIOUS ME

The most misunderstood aspect of Berne's theory was his statement of "I'M OKAY; YOU"RE OKAY." This view of positive psychology was popularized by other psychologists including Thomas Harris in his famous book, I'M OK, YOU'RE OK.

Too often, people in general, and scoffers thought that "okay" meant that TA leaders were stating, every human is fine just as he is.

NO!

Obviously, based on the wars of the 20th century which slaughtered multi-millions of humans, the millions of rapes and enslavements, constant abuse of children, and unending domestic violence,
this wasn't Berne's key point at all.

Rather Berne was giving the Enlightenment, humanistic ethical truth of "inherent human value/worth" a new-face-over uplift into popular user-friendly words.


The central key of Transactional Analysis was that every single human is of inherent worth, is "ok."

That ALL of human miscommunication, intolerance, abuse, and destruction come from distortions and denials of each human being inherently valuable.







In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox

*Adapted from Games People Play by Berne, I'M OK, You're OK by Harris, Introduce Yourself to T.A. by Paul McCormick and Leonard Campos, etc.

Living Authentically and Creatively

Preface:
As already explained, in this transcendental and humanistic reality every single human being is of equal inherent worth (like the Friends, UU, and other hopeful worldviews espouse).
(See previous blog article.)

Step A:
Be aware that everyone of us is complex, a multi-part person. The more aware we are of life, others, and ourselves, the more authentically and creatively we can live, moment by moment.

We humans have at least 3 parts, 3 ego states*, that of--

#1 TAUGHT Part of I (how our parents or guardians raised us in the past, their rules, behavior, and attitudes)

#2 FEEL Part of I (especially how we felt and experienced life as a kid naturally and how we react now to our "internal parent," too, and how we feel spontaneously)

#3 THINK Part of I (how we operate using our reason, awareness, ethics, and sense-of-life to make rational, thoughtful, and smart decisions; our inner computer)

Often there is conflict between all 3 parts of us.

To live authentically, is to let our rational self decide each time our feelings and our internal “taught” get in a disagreement.

Also, keep in mind a very key point:
Remember, you are all 3 ego states/parts! All 3 are important, but your FEELings part--your inner you--is probably the most important.

You cannot do away with your inner you in yourself. Besides, your FEELings
are the most fun and the most creative.
It's your THINKing's job to help meet your inner you's needs, hopes, and dreams without getting into trouble.

It's your TAUGHT'S job to treat your FEELings, your inner you, with respect and love and to provide your THINKing reasoning part with data from human civilization's past, so you can consider, reflect on, and make decisions about each future action.

Here's a bad example of what not to say:

FEELING: "Someday I'm going to be rich."

TAUGHT: "Money isn't everything. Look how it burns a hole in your pocket. You may end up on welfare."
*Adapted

Or take this very real life event:

Let’s say we got to sleep very late last night because we had company—our relatives—for the weekend.
Now it’s 5:30 am and we need to get up, we are so tired, and don’t FEEL like getting up.

#3 If we let our FEEL rule, of course, we’ll be late for work.

#2 If we let our TAUGHT rule, we’ll get up, but probably will be grumpy, maybe even complain like we did (if we did) when we were kids and our parents had to get us out of bed for school. So, we may gripe or grumble as we drive to work. (Not that this is a huge misstep, it’s just a minor example of how our ego states work.)

#2 If we let our THINK operate, we can be aware of our tiredness, but be thankful that we had such a great time the night before,
give ourselves a few seconds to energize,
and then get up and be thankful for a new day.
(A little caffeine will help, probably.)

Living rationally and thoughtfully:-)

But it can get more complicated when our 3 parts meet the 3 parts of another person at work, and far more complicated with other persons (and their ego states), too---when all of us get combined in a group situation.

If other individuals for why-ever, let their TAUGHT or FEEL predominate and direct actions, it is very easy for there to be multi-person conflict.

For example:

If the manager is having a trying time with his teenage daughter or his elderly parent suffering dementia, and he is under a lot of pressure from higher-ups to speed up production, he may be tempted to order everyone to work harder,
but not say so in a moderate, rational tone from his THINK,
but switch to his TAUGHT,
glaring at anyone who takes an extra moment at the coffee machine.

If so, then 6, 9, 12, or even 90 different ego states can get in a brief verbal tussle.

What if I got up grumpy?

I’m going for an extra cup of coffee, wishing I wasn’t at work.
Why didn’t I call in sick, or take a vacation day?

Our manager rushes by and orders me back to my desk.

If I am not THINKing clearly, I may make a negative remark to him, or after he leaves, complain to my work group—
“What’s with Uptight-Joe this morning?!”
--

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/tag/ego-states/

Listen closely—as an observer—of yourself and others and you will even be able to hear others or voices within your head say thing like this:

#1 TAUGHT: “You must.” “Don’t raise your voice.” “You listen to me.” “If you do that again…” “You can’t trust_____(Fill in blank-- police, women, workers, bosses, politicians, minorities, bankers, etc.)

#2 FEEL: “Wow, such fun!” I want it now!” “Try and make me.” Or “Why doesn’t my father like me?”

#3 THINK: “Hmm, I see the way that works.” What if we added this new method?” “How does one code that into his computer?” “What is the best way to make sure that everyone is treated fairly?”

Consider this brief story:
A young teen--after he attacked an elderly man and stole his wallet--
when caught, admitted, “I knew taking another person’s possession is wrong because it’s unfair;
yes, I shouldn’t have ever taken his wallet;
but I wanted some money now.”

Figure out which phrase is THINK, which is TAUGHT, and which is FEEL.



To be continued--


In the LIGHT,

Daniel Wilcox

*Adapted from Transactional Analysis.
See Introduce Yourself to Transactional Analysis by Paul McCormick and Leonard Campos,
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of TA
and What Do You Say After You Say Hello?
by Eric Berne, psychiatrist and developer of TA

Freedom to Choose

At tragic times like the present when destruction, heartbreak,
debacle, and slaughter 'reign' down--
when the ocean of darkness
seems endless and abyss'd,

remember the gravely etched truth
of the psychologist Victor Frankl who lived at Auschwitz:
















The wonder of being human, of being consciously aware, of experiencing
and living in the transcendent, of seeking the good,
of sensing the 'ought' of every ethical truth
is that each of us understands
(except for determinists of course)
that every human, everyone of us, all of us--
no matter how difficult our troubled life path,
no matter what our difficult circumstances,
no matter our weeping heartache,
no matter how chasmic deep our tragedy--

we are free to choose alternatives in the very midst of the evils,
to reject the horrific wrongs,
to song hope and justice,
to turn toward the Light,
to reach out to others and empathize,
to act compassionate,
and
to care
hell
down
and
out.

"I am not...my circumstances, I am...my decisions."
Educator Stephen Covey

"Any person, regardless of the circumstances, can decide what shall become of them--mentally and spiritually.
Victor Frankl

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become."
Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Carl G. Jung

Let us choose each moment.


In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox

Of Prince, Princess, and Frogs

Remember the fairy tale of the princess and the frog? Ready for a poetic explanation of Life;-)?

Over 50 years ago the famous psychologist Eric Berne, creator of Transactional Analysis, published Games People Play. In fairly quick succession, other self-help books followed including his What Do You Say After You Say Hello? And I’m OK, You’re OK by Thomas Harris and Born to Win by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

And they were all about how all of us humans became frogs but can become princes and princesses...

First published by Liturgical Credo, we give you--

Of Prince, Princess, and Frogs

*People are born princes and princesses until their parents make them into frogs.
Dr. Eric Berne

But, of course, our baned, blameful
Cursed parents—those mean bewitchers—
Were once descended royalty too, little infants and toddlers
In their own parents' arms! And back to back, too many grand-grand

Princed-ancestors, turned endlessly receding, hopping in reverse
Into slimy frogs (warty toads) once upon a time as nearly ill-well
Down to the first crouched human, not so grand, the beginning of all croakedness.
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

So where did this repulsive 'tail' of the soon-to-frog progenitor start,
The tadpoled-former prince of mortalness begin?
Back before the primordial oozed pond changed into concrete
Drainage canals and high tech zoos, yet slime and 'grim' remain?

Go back, back and back, what a birthing pain in the you know what,
Generation upon generation to the human start—
That doesn't solve why frogginess croaks and hops in us all,
Down through the millennialed generations, a tad bit yarned.

Why do millions of us birth oh so good, but devolve into ne'er-do-bads,
Little ones growing, cycling down to dysfunction, neurosis, selfishness,
Even suicide and war; or throw money around ourselves like confetti,
Gorge to overweight, and spend spend for dieting in deluxe gyms

While others, skin and bones, pick small finger-fulls of corn kernels
Out of horse manure on the muddy road, become child-soldiers with guns?
Yes, the civilized twentieth century proved to be most murderous one;
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

Yes, we're dealing with the cussdedness of our human kingness
Says Mark Twain (oh, the prince and the pauper).
Of course, Eric Berne, the astute psychologist knows our inner self
Of the three aspects of awareness—our felt, taught, and thoughtness,

The Child deep inside, then what our Parent instructed us for good or ill and our Reason
Which tries to sort some sense into this quagmire of feeling and prejudice;
But the analyst knows that deep within rules "the little fascist,"

That small warlock who started it all and ever seeks chaos and defeat.
But from where did this little daemoned martinet come?
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

The Catholic in heated discussion will point to Adam's Original Sin
When the wily snake cast doubt and tempted us to dragon's pride.
His nemesis the Calvinist will shout our reptilian fallenness came
By the predestined will of the Sovereign who ordained all sin.

Woe, to be damned to eternal fire forever for God's pleasure;
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

A different source of our loss of princely innocence comes from liberal
Folk, the Enlightened ones, who reason we are born into this evolution
Of becoming, from the natural cosmos where life blossoms and cancers
(The duo of opposites) so babes are both squires and tadpoles,

Will become both princes and frogs together split,
(Though snake or dragon aptly fits more than a few),
And we must strive for the crowned mind not the sludge-paupered pond
Though most of the countlesss millions fail to reach such a sought throne.
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

Tragically, in many cases lost children struggle in dysfunction,
Almost from birth because they were born unfortunately
To very froggy parents living brazenly wrong, in our malfunctional society,
Ever tempted by the glutted media praising our worst inclinations.
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

Thus we princes and princesses at birth, not consciously self-aware,
But 'natural' like smart animals, soon awaken to moral consciousness;
Perceiving finite nature, we turn to gimmie gain and then guilt,
Not getting beyond our selfish tempted pond. Even

Our false religions mask the slither and wily guile gone to bad,
And again bites the hand and 'soul' of our every action.
What so unlovely theoried words for the froggy in us all.

Egocentric, we cycle down from the constant test to our own demise
Or if we seek our true Love's embrace, responding to Ever's mercy,
Awaken to our Lover's kiss, rise in thankful compassion,

Bow and kneel in meekness to true spiritual life, renewing our royal births,
Becoming prince and princess ruling down our lower froggy passions,
Rising to knight and ladyhood, birthing eternity in our full-hearted actions.
What potential lovely truth for the prince and princess in us all.


In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox