Sunday, October 25, 2015

Corny Quaker Humor: Part #4

"Are you a member of that new high-falutin religion?"


You know, Hyphen-ate, the newest religion?"

"What in heaven's name is a Hyphenate?"

"You know, I keep hearing about them. They all emphasize hyphens like no get out. You know ---Buddhist-Friends, Jewish-Friends, Episcopal-Friends, Mormon-Friends, JW-Friends, Wall-Street-Friends...

So I just wondered."

"Oh, yeah; just remember a little dash never hurt anybody."


Two Quaker honeymooners on Tybee Island stood watching two terns pacing the beach.

The young woman asked, “Why are there two birds on the beach?”

Her finance said, “Because one good turn deserves another.”


Heard about the Friends meeting which had plenty of committees but no members or attenders?


Your Friendly Nebraska Cornhusker:
Glancing out the window at their ripening fields, May whispered, “Look at those vibrant rows of corn you’re growing. You’re an amazing farmer, George!”

“Ah shucks, thanks honey. You’re rather foxy, too.”

“And, do you know what else?”

He turned toward her, “I’m all ears.”

“George,” she whispered in her husky voice.

And he planted a kiss on Maize’ luscious lips.


As for meticulous honesty:
A Friend was taking a daily stroll along a Pennsylvania fence row with his best friend when he saw a large cow with an unusually vivid brown hide. “Look at the brown Moo’er, such rich texture!”

The less artistic Friend said, “I don’t know if we can call it a brown cow; I’ve not seen its other side.”


“So you see, darlins’,” the Quaker grandfather said to his grandchildren ensconced next to him on their porch swing, “my great-grandfather was a Quaker ship captain. He even once encountered a pirate ship west of Hispaniola in the Caribbean.”

“What happened?!” asked the oldest as he squirmed closer on the swing next to his sleeping little brother.

“Let me tell you that tale or the one about the whale…But first do you know how to tell a genuine pirate from a fake?


The real pirate had real gold, but the fake pirate…pyrite, only had fool's gold.”


“Heard about the pirate who liked pumpkin pie?”

“Nope, but how does the pie rate?”


"Why do Quakers spend so much time with cereals?"

"I didn't know they watched TV."


“Did you know that the Friend John Woolman was not only a vibrant abolitionist, but that he earned his living as a tailor?”

“You usually give me too many such yarns. But seams to me, I do recall that historical tact.”

“And you could say, he spoke so much against slavery that he was stitching together
words in voice patterns,
needled points jabbing his listeners.”

“Sew right! He really was concerned with every peace of fabric.”

“Just a darning minute! You’re getting corny, too. Better quilt while you’re ahead.”


“A young adult Friend over at Foothill Yearly Meeting went to see his podiatrist to get his feet heeled. That was his sole concern,” said the Virginian waiting for his herb tea.

The older Quaker next to him asked, “Are you toe-tally sure? Seems like he was faithfully at worship every First day since he was a kid—I’ve known him that long--always wearing those blue Keds."

A waitress brought the first Friend his tea and the man sipped his hot brew. “No, but that young Friend had been standing a lot, working too much at the Fallen Arches, yah know. Quite a feet actually, besides attending Florida State. Do you know he had a chance to play for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?”

“You’re flat wrong,” responded the middle-aged talker. “It was because of going to that new-'fungled' gym. Those workouts gave him athlete’s foot.”

“Well, I think you are being rather callus about the whole blistered thing! Would you want to foot the bill?”

“Oh, walk the talk or forget about it."


The young person in First Day class asked his Quaker teacher, “Why didn’t early Quakers
listen to music and play instruments?”

The teacher thought for a a moment, then said, “Because they were against “saks and violins” which usually go with music.”

"Why don't Quakers allow shakers into their houses?"

"You're confused about religious history. Shakers were different."

"Weren't they both against assault and pepper-spray?"


A marriage license is just a learning permit.

If that is so what is parking?

Oh, that's neck-and-neck, not the fast lane.


Seven days without compassion makes one weak.


In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox

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