Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Corny Quaker Humor #10: "'You Don't Take Communion? What's the Beef?"

Early in a Pennsylvanian morning, a Quaker farmer forked hay over the fence for his cattle.

Cows came over toward the elderly man in the straw hat with the hay, all mooing at the same time, as if to say, "Hello 'Fodder.'"


At the large but mostly empty old Meeting House in North Carolina, a couple of visitors raised hands during an opening welcome to visitors.

A stocky middle aged man stood and said, "My wife and I are visiting from Reno, Nevada, here to see our son who is at Fort Brag. We've heard about Quakers before, and had the morning free so thought we would visit for the first time. We're Lutheran.

Our question for you is, 'Why don't Friends take communion?'"

The young adult Friend doing the welcoming, responded, "Well, see, since our coming into existence during the religious English Civil War in about 1646, we've felt it best to stay away from all theological 'feud.'"

A little confused, the middle aged visitor stared blankly until his wife poked him and he, suddenly, got the double meaning and grinned.

Continuing, the Quaker said, "Just kidding. George Fox, when he had his mystical vision...came to realize holy communion is a group inward spiritual experience, not an outward supernatural ritual. God is within us, not in bread and wine."

"Hmm..." the visitor responded, "no vestments, no priest, no Eucharist? As an economist by career, I would say that's putting a lot of 'investment' into a bunch of people sitting silently, waiting for spiritual insight.

What 'prophet' is there in that? Are you sure this George Fox knew what he was talking about? Rejecting 1,500 years of church doctrine?"

"We Friends hope so. Many rituals have 'mass' appeal, but that doesn't mean they are good food for the spirit."


What did the elderly Nicaraguan Friend say when she stood in the vigil outside of the Managua military barracks?

"Dear young men and women, Open your eyes to the Light. Be blessed! I am from my head to-ma-toes, with lots of catch up and S.P.I.C.E.S."


Heard about the Oregonian Quaker who didn't go to meeting for worship after all, but instead hurrying through heavy fog, prayed before he walked into a bar on the way home?

He hadn't even had a drink yet, but sure got a headache from that bar.


A visiting Northern atheist sat in the back of the Friends worship meeting in South Carolina. Afterward he approached one of the younger Friends and asked, "How do you Quakers know that you aren't deluded with all your talk of spiritual discernment and testimonies?"

The young Southern woman smiled and set down her herb tea, and inwardly thought, maybe a touch of humor would Lighten the visitor's intimidating manner. "Good morning, Visitor. I'm Georgina. And yours is? Where y'all from?"

The petulant questioner didn't answer but only said, "Answer my question!"

"'Shore,'" she said. "Thanks for asking the excellent question. Please take a look out there," and pointed through a plain glass window at the pelicans hovering over the Carolina beach or sitting near the pier. "See how that Paley-can watch the ocean of light below? He's like that famous analogy."

The atheist fidgeted, not even noticing the corny puns, but listened.

"A Godly scientist--"

Now he interrupted, "Science proves there is NO god!"

The young Friend continued, "--But suppose we found a pelican watching with its keen eyes for fish in the water. Would his amazing abilities have come about for no reason, without purpose or meaning? ' should be inquired how the watching happened...There must have existed, at some time, and at some place or other, an artificer' who created for the purpose which we find it actually to answer; who comprehended its construction, and designed its use.'
Notice, I'm quoting and paraphrasing from W. Paley, Natural Theology (1802)," she said and grinned.

The atheist backtracked over what she had just said, and suddenly laughed. "You got me on that one! Seriously..."


A Quaker business leader and his wife were visiting old Friends meeting houses in North Carolina. They were from the largest Friends Church in the West, Newport Beach, California Yearly Meeting, an Evangelical branch of the Friends.

He stopped his new BMW on the edge of an old cemetery and a stone Quaker meeting house near the tiny rural settlement of Elias, North Carolina. Then stared with disappointment at the old plain building.

"Look, Margaret, it doesn't even have a cross on top. What a 'hick' site!
It shows what happens when some country Friends adopted liberalism."


Recently among bloggers, mythicism is becoming the new in-group view with plenty of non-historians having decided that Jesus never existed.

If so, Friends have believed in one huge 'mythstake.' (Groan)


The Space Friendly Clown

When caught in
The romantic comet
Of the moment,

One futuristic Friend
Touched his sweetheart's pixied face
And said,

I wish I could make love to
You on 3 million different planets
All at once;

She pixeled a look so scientific
And said,
Oh don't clone around with me

First pub.
in Right Hand Pointing


Notice how quiet pelicans are when they sleep. Look at these ones who have really piped down.;-)

In the Light-Hearted Way,

Daniel Wilcox

*For further jangled word play visit

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