Grab hold of these belly-laughed country twines. Catch a line or three.
Then besides throwing out life lines* today, throw a few laugh lines.
Sometimes humor itself is a lifeline.
Do you know why there is the face of a Quaker on oats cereal in stores?
To remind you about honesty, to pay what you oat. But, remember, Quakers don't take oats, they only affirm in court.
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Did you know many Friends are becoming vegetarians?
Yeah, I’ve herbivore.
--
After Martin Luther wrote another scatological attack against the Pope, troops from the Holy Roman Emperor, again, tried to arrest him.
But eye witnesses said, “Then ‘Luther ran.’"
And that’s how the denomination’s history began. It’s been running for almost 500 years.
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"Are you sure my hunting dog went through your yard an hour ago?"
The Quaker pointed down at the prints in the muddy walkway and said, "I'm pawsitive."
--
When a secularist hiked past an old Quaker farmer standing by the lake holding a full sack,
the secularist decided to have a little fun, see if he could get the devout man upset.
“Tired? What’re you carrying in that bag, Friend, too many ears of corn?”
The Friend said not a word but glanced at his bag and took hold of two ears in it.
So the secularist added, “You Quakers are way too stuffy. You really need to let your hair down.”
Then the Quaker dropped the rabbit bag and smiled.
The secularist looked disappointed.
Finally, the Quaker spoke, “Thought you could get my goat didn’t you, but I don’t own one.”
--
Heard the joke about the Unitarian Universalist minister being confronted by an irate Southern Baptist leader:
"Your church is a joke! You reject all the creeds!" Then the Southern Baptist got so upset all he could shout and sputter was
"YOU, YOU...!"
And the Unitarian Universalist very politely said, "Yes?"
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Here's a humorous adaption for the United Church of Christ:
A Calvinist theologian lectured a UCC minister standing at a conference.
"Your church doesn't preach the Reformed Gospel! Do you believe in the penal substitution?"
"No," said the UCC pastor.
YOU SEE! SEE what I mean!" demanded the Calvinist.
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“You know, most of you modern Quakers don't look like Amish. What’s the deal with your new beard?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” responded the Quaker, “It sort of grew on me.”
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In Kentucky one group of friars took care of the front of their chapel by planting beautiful flowers in profusion that grew all the way to the forest. After missionary work all day, two of them would take lighted lanterns and small cans of water to go out
and sprinkle their flowers because of the drought.
But one night, the first friar stumbled and broke his lamp; sparks landed on him and the other friar and in the woods
and started a terrible fire.
Fortunately, nearby lived a volunteer firefighter named Hugh.
He quickly turned on his garden hose and doused the flames on the friars and on the forest before too many trees had burned. This proves again that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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An atheist student was complaining to the professor in class after lunch. “I hate all these Creeds of the Christian Church, in particular your Protestant ones.
They’re so horrific, so irrational, so immoral!”
Irritated the professor who was a Reformed theologian asked, “Such as?”
“Heard of the ‘Sin-odds’ of Dort?”
“Stop making fun of our beliefs!” Then because he was so upset, the professor belched.
The antagonist said, “I will, if you stop Belgicing.”
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Many Friends admire Mahtma Gandhi, even though he wasn’t a Quaker. But he worked for peace and was a vegetarian. Of course his strict diet often gave him bad breath.
This made him a super calloused faragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Okay, so I’ve given you more than ten puns. I’ve told them to others with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
In the Lighthearted,
Daniel Wilcox
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*Old Song: “Throw Out the Life Line”
Throw out the life line across the dark wave;
There is a brother whom someone should save;
Somebody’s brother! O who then will dare
To throw out the life line, his peril to share?
Refrain
Throw out the life line! Throw out the life line!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the life line! Throw out the life line!
Someone is sinking today.
By E.S. Ufford
