time for an oldster's corny humor (from Cornhusker Nebraska originally)

My full name, what I needed to write on the official voting envelope for the California Primary 2 days ago--

Daniel Eugene Wilcox

So where's the joke?

We are at a celebration a while back, and I am holding up my favorite drink, Mountain DEW.

Hint--Check the initials of my full name;-)!!


Daniel Eugene Wilcox

Time for a bit of Cornhusker humor;-) About the Old Dog...

Here's the Old Dog wheeling toward his Red-Rollin' van near a warning sign south of Santa Maria, California.

At 'leash' he's still kicking;-).

Agin' but still movin',

Dan Wilcox

Roger Williams ‘Rhode to Island and DIGG’D GEORGE FOX OUT OF HIS BURROUGH, OR SPIRIT OF HAT, QUAKERS' NECK BROKEN...

Yes, if you guessed, that is a twist of Roger Williams’ book against George Fox with the usual sort of 17th century jabberwock'd, long-winded odd title with alternative title, the usual 'tittle and jot' of unfriendly, theologically controversial religious argumentative pamphlets.

I do this in honour of the first day of April, to jog modern minds, and be excused for quackery punctionariness, today and not one jot or 'title' more.

But let me not jattle or jabber on (or slobber)...

So burrowing into the past...

Who was Burrough and why did Williams state he was going to get the first Quaker, George Fox foundering?

BURROUGH, EDWARD (1634–1663), Burrough, among the earliest Friends, wrote and street-spoke against notions of false Christian denominations. "...as a lad he was dissatisfied with the religious teaching of the Anglican church, and restlessly tried all the various forms...He decided to become a Friend, and, although only seventeen, offered himself as a minister, and was accepted. On account of this step he was disowned by his family, who declined his offer to remain with them as a hired servant. Burrough at once began to travel as a quaker minister...In 1653 he was imprisoned..."
--https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Burrough,_Edward_(DNB00)
--

Let's Lighten up...

On to that fox hunt...

Why did Roger Williams claim that he was going to dig Fox out of his Burrough?

Because, contrary to Quaker witness, Williams said that in Quakerism there is darkness, no inner light.
--

Why did George Fox marry Margret?

Margaret Fell for him.
--

Did you see the dog kennel in Quakertown, Pennsylvania?

The large sign outside proclaims, “There is that of dog in everyone.”
--


Hear of the Quaker store manager who refused to sell liquor, at least he said, not until he was in the spirits.

Instead, he sold tea—and sold so much of that he loved, totaling up his earnings!

Because you see, he was a ‘tea-totaler.’
--

Why do Friends still focus on over 365 years ago?

Because they are still sitting waiting for spiritual agreement!

And they keep splitting 'heirs' over various points
Like in the cases of Northwest, Indiana, North Carolina Yearly Meeting breakdowns
which cause them to do the splits and perform twisting 'gymnastical' unfriendly actions.
--

Why did Friends insist on wearing their hats?

They had a hatful attitude toward false, hypocritical religious and social customs.
--

Why are Friends like earth disasters?

Because they quake when found to be at fault by bad judges.
--

Why were Quakers considered strong?

Because on their Nantucket Island ships there were plenty of mussels.
--

Why do American Friends quake in embarrassment?

Because their most famous Quaker was Richard Nixon.
--

and other oldies...

"If you don't listen to or play gangsta rap or hip hop, what music do you Friends listen to, then?' asked a teen, tapping time to his I-Pod."

A humorous student from Friends School in North Carolina said, “Oh, Quake and Roll, Quaky Tonk, Quakeabilly, Quakem and Blues,
Group Rapt.”

"Stupid! But I get yer lame jokes, even 'rapt' for 'rap,' except what does group'rapt' have to do with Quakers?"

"You need to visit Quaker meeting, and read The Journal of George Fox or John Woolman and listen to the spiritual songs of Jon Watts! We're talking spiritual rapture, man."

"Like the dictionary says, 'transported by spiritual feeling'."
--

Did you hear the one about the Quaker who raised ducks but didn’t like how they kept saying “Quack, quack.”

So he gave them crackers each time he got them to stop saying “quack, quack.” But then they started padding about his yard squawking, “Quacker, Quacker!”

Finally, he switched to feeding them with oats but wouldn't you know it, they squawked, “Quacker Oats!”
--


Heard about the Oregonian Quaker who didn't go to meeting for worship after all, but instead--hurrying through heavy fog--prayed before he walked into a bar on the way home?

He hadn't even had any spirits yet, but sure got a headache from that bar.
--


A man asked, "Why don't Friends take communion?"

The young adult Friend doing the welcoming, responded, "Well, see, since our coming into existence during the religious English Civil War in about 1646, we've felt it best to stay away from all theological 'feud.'"

A little confused, the middle-aged visitor stared blankly until his wife poked him and he, suddenly, got the double meaning and grinned.

Continuing, the Quaker said, "Just kidding. George Fox, when he had his mystical vision...came to realize holy communion is a group inward spiritual experience, not an outward supernatural ritual. God is within us, not in bread and wine."

"Hmm..." the visitor responded, "no vestments, no priest, no Eucharist? As an economist by career, I would say that's putting a lot of 'investment' into a bunch of people sitting silently, waiting for spiritual insight.

What 'prophet' is there in that? Are you sure this George Fox knew what he was talking about? Rejecting 1,500 years of church doctrine?"

The Quaker answered, "We Friends hope so. Many rituals have 'mass' appeal, but that doesn't mean they are good food or spirits."
--

A Quaker business leader and his wife were visiting old Friends meeting houses in North Carolina. They were from the largest Friends Church in the West, Newport Beach, California Yearly Meeting, an Evangelical branch of the Friends.

He stopped his new BMW on the edge of an old cemetery and a stone Quaker meeting house near the tiny rural settlement of Elias, North Carolina. Then stared with disappointment at the old plain building.

"Look, Margaret, it doesn't even have a cross on top. What a 'hick' site!
It shows what happens when some country Friends adopted liberalism."

--

An 'Aesop' Quaker

When Margaret heaved
That large rock sideways off
Our docked
Boundary
of 10,000 lakes,
All those 50ish sky blue-bear-dancing waters,
(Not in Fox's Lake District of England)
Where her paddling retriever
got giant-splashed
Not by that rock...
but her;

Bellowing and shouting,
her father pulled her out from
where Margaret fell
(not Adam's or Eve's because that
is Augustinian jottle)

She got lectured as she shivered
And quaked,
There on the lake pier--
Drenched-soggy wet,
(Her pooch commiserating),
From her
Overstepping--
A sopping imbalance

-


Lightly,

Daniel Wilcox

Q.C.Humor #12: Remember Planking?

Remember planking?

Then there's always plenty of plankton in the ocean at the beach.

And, of course, don't forget pelicans, so we give you the plankton' pelican--
a post dedicated to punning, poetry, and all manner of lyin' of the innocent sort.

*The term plankton comes from Greek, planktos,
"errant," and leans toward the meaning of "wanderer."

*Pelican is related to to the Greek, pelekys "ax."
-

'Ax' not what this website can do for you but what you can do for this jabberwobblied jungle.;-)
-

What did the 3 pelicans say as they flew off from the roof of a Friends' meeting house in North Carolina?

Been there, dung that.;-)
-


Heard the story about the 'fun-gal' and the 'fun-guy'?

The couple, Gus and Gal, thought a great way to spend an evening was dining out on mushroom-stuffed cuisine.

"It's a lot of fun,Gus said;-).
-

The Quaker lady in Northwest Yearly Meeting endured her husband's groaning puns, but she had a bone to pick with him when he commented on her accidentally
banging her elbow (the funny bone) on his filing cabinet in their study.

For he laughed and said, That's very 'humerus.'

Anon.

__


Sitting Duck

There in the urban lagoon
You are sitting drunk on Mountain Dew
Gabbled to the long-boarded bar
Waiting for another sotted-shot
To blast
Through your flapped brain,
One more mallard
For the boat-tender


-Daniel Wilcox
First published in Word Riot,
also in Dark Energy,
2009 by Diminuendo Press
__


Clammy Chops

I scooped in one huge mouthful of savory chowder
Swimming with succulent salmon reconnoitering
Wild from Alaska—my taste buds buzzed into singing,
But the stupid phone in the kitchen rang, yanking me.

I dropped my creamy spoon and rushed through the open door--
Wrong number! Frustrated, I slammed down the white thing,
Tended to nagging errands clanging for attention;
But then heard a loud slurp ... slurping 'round the den corner.

Oh, no! I rushed back into the aromatic room
And there crouched Fizzy, our calico, her cream-rootbeer
Mugged head raised, pleased, above the scent-wafted white bowl,
Just "fin-ished"—her pink tongue wiping those smiling chops.

-Daniel Wilcox
First pub. in vox poetica,
also in my book of previously published poems,
selah river, 2012
__


Heard about the Catholic-Mormon couple who had a large family of a dozen kids?

A negative neighbor criticized, "Haven't they heard of family planning?"

But another more philosophical neighbor with a bit of wit said,
"No, but they've heard of family planting!
They been spending lots of nights of sleeping together, dozin';-)"

Anon.
___

"I've traveled all over America," Sam stated.

Anon.
___


Ah, Bird Poop Van

Ah, bird poop van,
there in the far corner of the fast food lot
where wind-blown paper congregates,
and you squat against the curb,

a rusted Ford Econoline home,
spattered with a thousand puked starbursts
of smell on your dull finish,
a metal fadedness of has been.

Your owner in his tourist-trash hat
and long dirty hair hanging to his collar,
squats on the splattered grass,
grizzled before his future demise,
a throwback to Ashbury
where he used to panhandle.

He sits with his wilted wildflower
in her faded jeans splotched with patches,
sipping their mocha coffee on the matted grass
wary for the squad car to cruise by again,
and roust them out of their corner nest
under the gilded arches.

But, oh, you rest and rust so easy–
at least there are no fowl in sight.


-Daniel Wilcox
First pub. in The Bicycle Review,
also in amphibi.us, Dead Snakes, and
selah river
__

No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," he said adamantly.

Anon.
__


The So n' So Argument

A modern couple lives on the seismic line
This of Sam 'n Andrea as in the city, so summered
Of Gardena, you know, Ada-'n Eve-r on, oh so pummed
Their hysterical house divided down geological;

They argue and argue until at the crack of dawn
Displaced tension 'rictors' up through their disjunction,
Until, until...they both shout, bellow so loud, "So,
It's YOUR fault, not mine."


-Daniel Wilcox
First pub. in Media Virus Magazine,
also in selah river
__


"My pet whale has died," Ahab blubbered.

Anon.
__


Gum Up

Notice how ‘theoillogicalies’
Gum up the worded worlds

Stretchnosepuppet the truth
Tongue-twisting

Jaw-chewing, teeth gnawing
It all out of shape
And
Are the ‘dickens-dammed,’
Bubblegummed worst

To remove
From

Undersides of study desks
Or our floored mind


-Daniel Wilcox
First pub. in Poydras Review,
also in Dead Snakes and
selah river
__


"I used to be a pilot," George explained.

Anon.
__


Playing 'Heir' Ball

Our historic cat coughed up
a wadded brown object,
thumb-sized
and yarned...

Ah forget
that long-winding 'tail';
go pell-mell
to your cultural
memory--
what was
your latest
cough-up?



-Daniel Wilcox
First pub. in The Clockwise Cat,
and in Dark Energy, my first book
of previously published poems,
2009 by Diminuendo Press
__


"She tore my valentine in two," said Romeo, halfheartedly.

Anon.
___



confused poet

ever hear
of the absent-minded poet
who plunged his teeth
and flossed their toilet?


-Daniel Wilcox
from Dark Energy,
Diminuendo Press
___


"That's no pedigree; it's a mongrel," Tommy muttered.
--

"When I saw the snake, I became very upset and was rattled," said Martha.

Anon.

__


Hugging his Friendly spouse, he whispered into her ear, "I love to camp with you," he said intently.

__

Has planking become an endangered species?

In the Light-hearted,

Daniel Wilcox

Once Upon Books Which Are Youer than You

Once in a while, upon a time,
a weighed-down thinker,

needs to take a surf-break
from 800-page tomes of history, science,
and philosophy


TO (yes, you)

Roll down a high green hill
of grassy words and pictures,

letting their ticklish humor
and ridiculous stems tickle your face:-),

swirling your mind
into dizzy
laughter...

Especially when you and a young grammy have 4 adorable grand kids to read to, (you who!)

So without further ado, let's
you and I list our favorite children's books
from long ago

and faraway flying up to ever--
ever land present:

In no certain order-

#1 The Berenstain's B Book by Stan and Jan Berenstain

In those immortal;-) words: "Big brown bear, blue bull, beautiful baboon blowing bubbles biking backward,
bump black bug's banana boxes and Billy Bunny's breadbasket and Brother Bob's baseball bus..."

#2 Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

#3 Go, Dog, Go! by P.D. Eastman

#4 The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins by Dr. Seuss

#5 Oh the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss

#6 Oh, Were They Ever Happy! by Peter Spier

#7 Gobble, Growl, Grunt by Peter Spier

#8 Bored--Nothing to Do! by Peter Spier

#9 What Do People Do All Day? Richard Scary

#10 Old Hat, New Hat by Stan and Jan Berenstain

#11 He Bear and She Bear by Stan and Jan Berenstain

#12 People by Peter Spier

#13 The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

#14 The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper

#15 Strega Nona by Tomie dePaola


#16 Frog and Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel

#17 Curious George by Margret Rey

#18 Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish

#19 The Dot & the Line by Norton Juster

#20 I Spy by Jean Marzollo and Walter Wick

#21 The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore by William Joyce

#22 Max and the Big Fat Lie by Michael Waite and Gary Trousdale

#23 Handy-Dandy Helpful Hal by Michael P. Waite and Gary Trousdale

#24 Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb by All Perkins and Eric Gurney

#25 The Chicken and the Pony by Doug ? and Terrence McConnell

ADDED by others:

#26 Love You Forever by Robert Munsch and Sheila McGraw

#27 Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst

#28 One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss

#29 The Book With No Pictures by B.J. Novak

#30 The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams Bianco and William Nicholson

#31 Hot-Air Henry by Mary Calhoun and Erick Ingraham

#32 The Girl Who Never Made a Mistake by Mark Pett and Gary Rubinstein

#33


Please add to this short list, less we miss the best:-)

To kids of all ages.

In the Light-hearted wonder,





From grampa to children everywhere,


Daniel Wilcox

Corny Quaker Humor #10: "'You Don't Take Communion? What's the Beef?"

Early in a Pennsylvanian morning, a Quaker farmer forked hay over the fence for his cattle.

Cows came over toward the elderly man in the straw hat with the hay, all mooing at the same time, as if to say, "Hello 'Fodder.'"

--

At the large but mostly empty old Meeting House in North Carolina, a couple of visitors raised hands during an opening welcome to visitors.

A stocky middle aged man stood and said, "My wife and I are visiting from Reno, Nevada, here to see our son who is at Fort Brag. We've heard about Quakers before, and had the morning free so thought we would visit for the first time. We're Lutheran.

Our question for you is, 'Why don't Friends take communion?'"

The young adult Friend doing the welcoming, responded, "Well, see, since our coming into existence during the religious English Civil War in about 1646, we've felt it best to stay away from all theological 'feud.'"

A little confused, the middle aged visitor stared blankly until his wife poked him and he, suddenly, got the double meaning and grinned.

Continuing, the Quaker said, "Just kidding. George Fox, when he had his mystical vision...came to realize holy communion is a group inward spiritual experience, not an outward supernatural ritual. God is within us, not in bread and wine."

"Hmm..." the visitor responded, "no vestments, no priest, no Eucharist? As an economist by career, I would say that's putting a lot of 'investment' into a bunch of people sitting silently, waiting for spiritual insight.

What 'prophet' is there in that? Are you sure this George Fox knew what he was talking about? Rejecting 1,500 years of church doctrine?"

"We Friends hope so. Many rituals have 'mass' appeal, but that doesn't mean they are good food for the spirit."


--

What did the elderly Nicaraguan Friend say when she stood in the vigil outside of the Managua military barracks?

"Dear young men and women, Open your eyes to the Light. Be blessed! I am from my head to-ma-toes, with lots of catch up and S.P.I.C.E.S."

--

Heard about the Oregonian Quaker who didn't go to meeting for worship after all, but instead hurrying through heavy fog, prayed before he walked into a bar on the way home?

He hadn't even had a drink yet, but sure got a headache from that bar.

--

A visiting Northern atheist sat in the back of the Friends worship meeting in South Carolina. Afterward he approached one of the younger Friends and asked, "How do you Quakers know that you aren't deluded with all your talk of spiritual discernment and testimonies?"

The young Southern woman smiled and set down her herb tea, and inwardly thought, maybe a touch of humor would Lighten the visitor's intimidating manner. "Good morning, Visitor. I'm Georgina. And yours is? Where y'all from?"

The petulant questioner didn't answer but only said, "Answer my question!"

"'Shore,'" she said. "Thanks for asking the excellent question. Please take a look out there," and pointed through a plain glass window at the pelicans hovering over the Carolina beach or sitting near the pier. "See how that Paley-can watch the ocean of light below? He's like that famous analogy."

The atheist fidgeted, not even noticing the corny puns, but listened.

"A Godly scientist--"

Now he interrupted, "Science proves there is NO god!"

The young Friend continued, "--But suppose we found a pelican watching with its keen eyes for fish in the water. Would his amazing abilities have come about for no reason, without purpose or meaning? '...it should be inquired how the watching happened...There must have existed, at some time, and at some place or other, an artificer' who created for the purpose which we find it actually to answer; who comprehended its construction, and designed its use.'
Notice, I'm quoting and paraphrasing from W. Paley, Natural Theology (1802)," she said and grinned.

The atheist backtracked over what she had just said, and suddenly laughed. "You got me on that one! Seriously..."

--


A Quaker business leader and his wife were visiting old Friends meeting houses in North Carolina. They were from the largest Friends Church in the West, Newport Beach, California Yearly Meeting, an Evangelical branch of the Friends.

He stopped his new BMW on the edge of an old cemetery and a stone Quaker meeting house near the tiny rural settlement of Elias, North Carolina. Then stared with disappointment at the old plain building.

"Look, Margaret, it doesn't even have a cross on top. What a 'hick' site!
It shows what happens when some country Friends adopted liberalism."

--

Recently among bloggers, mythicism is becoming the new in-group view with plenty of non-historians having decided that Jesus never existed.

If so, Friends have believed in one huge 'mythstake.' (Groan)

--

The Space Friendly Clown

When caught in
The romantic comet
Of the moment,

One futuristic Friend
Touched his sweetheart's pixied face
And said,

I wish I could make love to
You on 3 million different planets
All at once;

She pixeled a look so scientific
And said,
Oh don't clone around with me



First pub.
in Right Hand Pointing

--


Notice how quiet pelicans are when they sleep. Look at these ones who have really piped down.;-)

In the Light-Hearted Way,

Daniel Wilcox

*For further jangled word play visit http://planktonpelican.weebly.com/

Scientific Jingle Bells!

Get in the spirit of Christmas with a little help from scientificsong.com:

"Oh Single Cells...";-)

http://scientificsong.com/videos
Natalie Windsor, Vocalist
Tariq Abdulla, Lyricist

---














And then for all the snow birds heading south with snow flurries chasing them;-):

Throw Out the Laugh Line

Exhausted from living for justice and right? Feel like one would need to be Atlas to solve all of the trials, tribulations, and tragedies of current world conditions?

Grab hold of these belly-laughed country twines. Catch a line or three.

Then besides throwing out life lines* today, throw a few laugh lines.
Sometimes humor itself is a lifeline.

Do you know why there is the face of a Quaker on oats cereal in stores?

To remind you about honesty, to pay what you oat. But, remember, Quakers don't take oats, they only affirm in court.

--

Did you know many Friends are becoming vegetarians?

Yeah, I’ve herbivore.

--

After Martin Luther wrote another scatological attack against the Pope, troops from the Holy Roman Emperor, again, tried to arrest him.

But eye witnesses said, “Then ‘Luther ran.’"

And that’s how the denomination’s history began. It’s been running for almost 500 years.

--

"Are you sure my hunting dog went through your yard an hour ago?"

The Quaker pointed down at the prints in the muddy walkway and said, "I'm pawsitive."

--

When a secularist hiked past an old Quaker farmer standing by the lake holding a full sack,
the secularist decided to have a little fun, see if he could get the devout man upset.

“Tired? What’re you carrying in that bag, Friend, too many ears of corn?”

The Friend said not a word but glanced at his bag and took hold of two ears in it.

So the secularist added, “You Quakers are way too stuffy. You really need to let your hair down.”

Then the Quaker dropped the rabbit bag and smiled.

The secularist looked disappointed.

Finally, the Quaker spoke, “Thought you could get my goat didn’t you, but I don’t own one.”

--

Heard the joke about the Unitarian Universalist minister being confronted by an irate Southern Baptist leader:
"Your church is a joke! You reject all the creeds!" Then the Southern Baptist got so upset all he could shout and sputter was
"YOU, YOU...!"

And the Unitarian Universalist very politely said, "Yes?"

--

Here's a humorous adaption for the United Church of Christ:
A Calvinist theologian lectured a UCC minister standing at a conference.
"Your church doesn't preach the Reformed Gospel! Do you believe in the penal substitution?"

"No," said the UCC pastor.

YOU SEE! SEE what I mean!" demanded the Calvinist.

--

“You know, most of you modern Quakers don't look like Amish. What’s the deal with your new beard?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” responded the Quaker, “It sort of grew on me.”


--

In Kentucky one group of friars took care of the front of their chapel by planting beautiful flowers in profusion that grew all the way to the forest. After missionary work all day, two of them would take lighted lanterns and small cans of water to go out
and sprinkle their flowers because of the drought.

But one night, the first friar stumbled and broke his lamp; sparks landed on him and the other friar and in the woods
and started a terrible fire.

Fortunately, nearby lived a volunteer firefighter named Hugh.
He quickly turned on his garden hose and doused the flames on the friars and on the forest before too many trees had burned. This proves again that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

--

An atheist student was complaining to the professor in class after lunch. “I hate all these Creeds of the Christian Church, in particular your Protestant ones.

They’re so horrific, so irrational, so immoral!”

Irritated the professor who was a Reformed theologian asked, “Such as?”

“Heard of the ‘Sin-odds’ of Dort?”

“Stop making fun of our beliefs!” Then because he was so upset, the professor belched.

The antagonist said, “I will, if you stop Belgicing.”

--

Many Friends admire Mahtma Gandhi, even though he wasn’t a Quaker. But he worked for peace and was a vegetarian. Of course his strict diet often gave him bad breath.
This made him a super calloused faragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

--

Okay, so I’ve given you more than ten puns. I’ve told them to others with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


In the Lighthearted,

Daniel Wilcox
--

*Old Song: “Throw Out the Life Line”

Throw out the life line across the dark wave;
There is a brother whom someone should save;
Somebody’s brother! O who then will dare
To throw out the life line, his peril to share?

Refrain

Throw out the life line! Throw out the life line!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the life line! Throw out the life line!
Someone is sinking today.

By E.S. Ufford

Quake Laughs and Signs of the Times

Hay, ready to husk some Pennsylvania Quaker Oats? Or corn?

The literature professor came out to his Honda Civic, but had to wait for the old Quaker
walking by with his dog.

As the old man passed, the professor asked “Why do you walk that old mangy mutt? What’s it for?

The old Quaker paused in silence, weighing his thoughts; finally he opened his eyes and said
to the young professor,
“Yes, good question; what is a ‘mutt-afor’? ;-)

Soon after dawn when the modern Quaker farmer came in from his first chores,
his wife showed him her Nexus Tablet. "Look, the stock market took another drop."

"Yeah, I saw the status, and it ain't much to quo about."
--




Why is South Korea so interested in both Quakerism and Cajun food?

South Korea’s got Seoul.


--

A Quaker got disowned from the meeting for operating a still in the late 1800's.

He wondered what business he could go into.

His Friend said, "What about selling tea? Be a teetotaler!"

"Nah," said the former beer maker, "I don't like tea."

"Well," said his Friend, "You could start selling these new sodas; they're not alcoholic."
Just then the Quaker's dog barked. "Like Ed Barq down in New Orleans, selling his new root beer soda.
And the man in Philly who Hires
lots of workers."

"YES! But where would be the best place for me to start such a business, another really good state
with many drinkers of soda?"

"Hmm..., probably Minnesota."


--



"Some of the Old Testament commands supporting slavery just make me heartsick."

"Yes, not Yahweh, but the Friendly Enlightened Way."

--

Before worship at a Quaker meeting, two visitors chatting--

Visitor #2:This is my second time visiting here."

Visitor #1: "Oh, like that famous California actor who used to say, "I'll be bach."

V #2: (Laughing) "Yeah, the one who got terminated. These Quakers
probably wouldn't say that, however another famous actor, was a Quaker who
also became governor, though he got terminated, too. Had to face the music,
so to speak. By the way,
don't expect music this hour."

V 1: "Why not?"

V 2: Well, some Conservative Quakers seldom sing, except spontaneously.
It would probably take an organ transplant to get them to change.
But I don't have the heart. Needed to get that off my chest. Besides,
they think too much modern music
is filled with saks and violins."

V 1: "I understand."

V 2: "Also, anybody can talk during their meetings, even say
disturbing things, but remember even if you strongly
disagree with something a person says, don't talk bach."

V 1: (Standing) "Hmm..., if there's no music, and you can't disagree
in a conversation, maybe I'll visit the Methodist Church instead; there,
if you want to hear some good music, all you have to do is leave notes
in the Johann Suggestion Bachs.

Johann Sebastian Bach







And Methodists never agree on anything. They love to talk and argue, though sometimes they don't make sense. Think about their signs and symbols.

--

Don’t go to church any more, couldn’t take the pew.

--

Patience is heavy wait.

--

Remember, dear Friend, the giant 3,500 year old oak was once a little nut that stood its ground.

--

A stranger came into a Friends meeting. It was quiet for about 20 minutes, so he leaned
over to the person next to him and asked,
“When does the service begin?”

“After worship, when we go out to help others in need.”

--


That old Quaker couple is like two old mutts.

Why?

He sits up and begs, but she rolls over and plays dead.

Oh, like some meetings I've been to. No spiritual life, petrified.
Though an old man snores,
until another Friend nudges him.


--

A marriage license is a learning permit. And lots of hard work to get where you are going.


--

A modern Quaker couple looked up at the night stars. As the guy worked up courage for that first kiss,
he nervously blurted out, "Do you like astronomy?"

Disappointed, the girl said, "George, Do you only have a 'one trek mind'?"

--




Speaking of romance and love and marriage, and commitment for as long as we both shall live...
also we want to be involved in mission work:

--


As a West Point graduate who earned no demerits in his 4 years there, Robert E. Lee was the most likely to secede.

"I may be from North Carolina, but why are you telling me that?"

If you don't succeed at first, try and try again.



--

Another Oregon rest area SIGN confronting travelers--25 BANNED ACTIVITIES
--as they pull their crowded vehicle in looking for open space,
walking, welcome,
relaxation, and
comfort:

and
DON’T BREATHE.

Now, I realize that many, if not all of those No-No’s, the forever “Don’t” list, are mostly common sense and common courtesy, so I’m not disagreeing with the prohibitions themselves per se.

And having had to get very legal at times with students and our own children when they tried to find technical loopholes to skirt the obvious--“She got in the way of my foot”--and other tall tales, I figure this eye-sore sign/billboard/HALT was originally only a short list that kept getting added to by traveler stupidities and passer-by self-centered myopia.

Yes, yes…
BUT who wants to pull into a ‘rest area’ looking for comfort and relaxation from a long haul, or even only a stressful travel day,
to this humongous, almost legal code, sign spitting you in the eye?

Not a friendly welcome sign, with a huge cartoonish grin, like some states have on their borders.

No instead, endless regulations STOP you,
even before you can rush your kids into the restrooms.

And the sign is ALWAYS blocking good scenery picture sites.

Big Politician doesn’t want YOU to miss it. You can’t, and though a law-abiding citizen, you have secret wishes that some local would back his tow truck into it, or for a teenager to get original with punny graffiti.

It’s the same on Oregon beaches. When we spotted a beautiful pullout along Oregon’s coastal highway, we slowed down and stopped for a walk on the beach and hopefully some great photo shots.

Instead, when I tried to take a picture of the rocks looming out in the waves like gigantic humpbacked whales, and framed by beautiful evergreens, I couldn’t avoid a very large, glaring in-your-face go-away PROHIBITED sign.

Yes, other states have signs which protect snowy plovers, “Don’t walk on the protected feathers!” And, “Danger Riptides,” and so forth.

But no place wins the award for Inhospitality like Oregon tourist signs: "Shut up! Stay out! Get your rear back on the road. Go away!"
None quite like Oregon beaches and rest areas.

--

In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox

Living Toward the Garden: Part 2

Back before my recent battles against the hellish dragons of modern Christian theology and politics, I was ruminating on my ‘fishy’ eating habits ;-):

Hear about the ugly friar at the monastery, who visitors said looked like a chipmunk? He got kicked out of the monastery because he preferred fish and chips instead of meat, not just during Lent, but year round, and would often sneak fish and chips into his room at night.

He was known as a “’finished’ ‘chip monk’ who got ‘cod’ eating.” Groan…

Photo by Joachim Muller

My fairly recent move toward vegetarianism (in the last 10-15 years, since turning 50) isn’t intellectually driven, but more of an emotional/ethical intuition, an inclination toward the ideal world of Creation before death and decay, before tooth and claw, before kill or/and be killed. The move is toward the perfect world of the future in the Chosen One.

And on the levels of commitment, my choice is only an educated opinion, not doctrine or conviction. When I began the move, I didn't even tell anyone of my change--just stopped eating pork, then beef, and finally cut back on chicken and turkey. Only when family members asked did I briefly mention I was focusing on fish, but didn’t explain.

I still do eat some ‘foul’ food sometimes with my family and relatives. In harkening toward Heaven in the field of cuisine, I’m not a legalist at all; it's more about heavenly and healthful eating. And if medical professionals—not likely—came out with a scientific study proving that humans should eat chicken or sausage or even steak, I probably would.

I don’t inhabit health food stores, don’t try and find “organic” food, but often buy my eats at Wal-Mart:-)

Though I am amazed by and sometimes buy from Whole Foods Market.

Another feeling and reason why I’ve made the move down the food levels toward non-sentient life is I empathize with conscious animal life. I suppose so, more than many humans.

However, I'm not an animal rights activist, or nearly as concerned with animals as the biologist Richard Dawkins is (on the valuable worth of monkeys), or as much as C.S. Lewis was against animal vivisection. Though in the case of both I do think animals are of worth and that vivisection ought to be stopped.

Also, our insurance provider and our doctor have emphasized that I need to fill up on anti-inflammatory food, medicine, etc.

So I do.

Now where’s that salmon I want to smoke with the nonalcoholic mixed drink of Mountain Dew/Strawberry-Lemonade and wedge-fries from BJ’s?

I’m not in the least famished by what I choose not to eat, but am now fin-ished;-).

In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox