Throw Out the Laugh Line

Exhausted from living for justice and right? Feel like one would need to be Atlas to solve all of the trials, tribulations, and tragedies of current world conditions?

Grab hold of these belly-laughed country twines. Catch a line or three.

Then besides throwing out life lines* today, throw a few laugh lines.
Sometimes humor itself is a lifeline.

Do you know why there is the face of a Quaker on oats cereal in stores?

To remind you about honesty, to pay what you oat. But, remember, Quakers don't take oats, they only affirm in court.

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Did you know many Friends are becoming vegetarians?

Yeah, I’ve herbivore.

--

After Martin Luther wrote another scatological attack against the Pope, troops from the Holy Roman Emperor, again, tried to arrest him.

But eye witnesses said, “Then ‘Luther ran.’"

And that’s how the denomination’s history began. It’s been running for almost 500 years.

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"Are you sure my hunting dog went through your yard an hour ago?"

The Quaker pointed down at the prints in the muddy walkway and said, "I'm pawsitive."

--

When a secularist hiked past an old Quaker farmer standing by the lake holding a full sack,
the secularist decided to have a little fun, see if he could get the devout man upset.

“Tired? What’re you carrying in that bag, Friend, too many ears of corn?”

The Friend said not a word but glanced at his bag and took hold of two ears in it.

So the secularist added, “You Quakers are way too stuffy. You really need to let your hair down.”

Then the Quaker dropped the rabbit bag and smiled.

The secularist looked disappointed.

Finally, the Quaker spoke, “Thought you could get my goat didn’t you, but I don’t own one.”

--

Heard the joke about the Unitarian Universalist minister being confronted by an irate Southern Baptist leader:
"Your church is a joke! You reject all the creeds!" Then the Southern Baptist got so upset all he could shout and sputter was
"YOU, YOU...!"

And the Unitarian Universalist very politely said, "Yes?"

--

Here's a humorous adaption for the United Church of Christ:
A Calvinist theologian lectured a UCC minister standing at a conference.
"Your church doesn't preach the Reformed Gospel! Do you believe in the penal substitution?"

"No," said the UCC pastor.

YOU SEE! SEE what I mean!" demanded the Calvinist.

--

“You know, most of you modern Quakers don't look like Amish. What’s the deal with your new beard?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” responded the Quaker, “It sort of grew on me.”


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In Kentucky one group of friars took care of the front of their chapel by planting beautiful flowers in profusion that grew all the way to the forest. After missionary work all day, two of them would take lighted lanterns and small cans of water to go out
and sprinkle their flowers because of the drought.

But one night, the first friar stumbled and broke his lamp; sparks landed on him and the other friar and in the woods
and started a terrible fire.

Fortunately, nearby lived a volunteer firefighter named Hugh.
He quickly turned on his garden hose and doused the flames on the friars and on the forest before too many trees had burned. This proves again that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

--

An atheist student was complaining to the professor in class after lunch. “I hate all these Creeds of the Christian Church, in particular your Protestant ones.

They’re so horrific, so irrational, so immoral!”

Irritated the professor who was a Reformed theologian asked, “Such as?”

“Heard of the ‘Sin-odds’ of Dort?”

“Stop making fun of our beliefs!” Then because he was so upset, the professor belched.

The antagonist said, “I will, if you stop Belgicing.”

--

Many Friends admire Mahtma Gandhi, even though he wasn’t a Quaker. But he worked for peace and was a vegetarian. Of course his strict diet often gave him bad breath.
This made him a super calloused faragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

--

Okay, so I’ve given you more than ten puns. I’ve told them to others with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


In the Lighthearted,

Daniel Wilcox
--

*Old Song: “Throw Out the Life Line”

Throw out the life line across the dark wave;
There is a brother whom someone should save;
Somebody’s brother! O who then will dare
To throw out the life line, his peril to share?

Refrain

Throw out the life line! Throw out the life line!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the life line! Throw out the life line!
Someone is sinking today.

By E.S. Ufford

Quake Laughs and Signs of the Times

Hay, ready to husk some Pennsylvania Quaker Oats? Or corn?

The literature professor came out to his Honda Civic, but had to wait for the old Quaker
walking by with his dog.

As the old man passed, the professor asked “Why do you walk that old mangy mutt? What’s it for?

The old Quaker paused in silence, weighing his thoughts; finally he opened his eyes and said
to the young professor,
“Yes, good question; what is a ‘mutt-afor’? ;-)

Soon after dawn when the modern Quaker farmer came in from his first chores,
his wife showed him her Nexus Tablet. "Look, the stock market took another drop."

"Yeah, I saw the status, and it ain't much to quo about."
--




Why is South Korea so interested in both Quakerism and Cajun food?

South Korea’s got Seoul.


--

A Quaker got disowned from the meeting for operating a still in the late 1800's.

He wondered what business he could go into.

His Friend said, "What about selling tea? Be a teetotaler!"

"Nah," said the former beer maker, "I don't like tea."

"Well," said his Friend, "You could start selling these new sodas; they're not alcoholic."
Just then the Quaker's dog barked. "Like Ed Barq down in New Orleans, selling his new root beer soda.
And the man in Philly who Hires
lots of workers."

"YES! But where would be the best place for me to start such a business, another really good state
with many drinkers of soda?"

"Hmm..., probably Minnesota."


--



"Some of the Old Testament commands supporting slavery just make me heartsick."

"Yes, not Yahweh, but the Friendly Enlightened Way."

--

Before worship at a Quaker meeting, two visitors chatting--

Visitor #2:This is my second time visiting here."

Visitor #1: "Oh, like that famous California actor who used to say, "I'll be bach."

V #2: (Laughing) "Yeah, the one who got terminated. These Quakers
probably wouldn't say that, however another famous actor, was a Quaker who
also became governor, though he got terminated, too. Had to face the music,
so to speak. By the way,
don't expect music this hour."

V 1: "Why not?"

V 2: Well, some Conservative Quakers seldom sing, except spontaneously.
It would probably take an organ transplant to get them to change.
But I don't have the heart. Needed to get that off my chest. Besides,
they think too much modern music
is filled with saks and violins."

V 1: "I understand."

V 2: "Also, anybody can talk during their meetings, even say
disturbing things, but remember even if you strongly
disagree with something a person says, don't talk bach."

V 1: (Standing) "Hmm..., if there's no music, and you can't disagree
in a conversation, maybe I'll visit the Methodist Church instead; there,
if you want to hear some good music, all you have to do is leave notes
in the Johann Suggestion Bachs.

Johann Sebastian Bach







And Methodists never agree on anything. They love to talk and argue, though sometimes they don't make sense. Think about their signs and symbols.

--

Don’t go to church any more, couldn’t take the pew.

--

Patience is heavy wait.

--

Remember, dear Friend, the giant 3,500 year old oak was once a little nut that stood its ground.

--

A stranger came into a Friends meeting. It was quiet for about 20 minutes, so he leaned
over to the person next to him and asked,
“When does the service begin?”

“After worship, when we go out to help others in need.”

--


That old Quaker couple is like two old mutts.

Why?

He sits up and begs, but she rolls over and plays dead.

Oh, like some meetings I've been to. No spiritual life, petrified.
Though an old man snores,
until another Friend nudges him.


--

A marriage license is a learning permit. And lots of hard work to get where you are going.


--

A modern Quaker couple looked up at the night stars. As the guy worked up courage for that first kiss,
he nervously blurted out, "Do you like astronomy?"

Disappointed, the girl said, "George, Do you only have a 'one trek mind'?"

--




Speaking of romance and love and marriage, and commitment for as long as we both shall live...
also we want to be involved in mission work:

--


As a West Point graduate who earned no demerits in his 4 years there, Robert E. Lee was the most likely to secede.

"I may be from North Carolina, but why are you telling me that?"

If you don't succeed at first, try and try again.



--

Another Oregon rest area SIGN confronting travelers--25 BANNED ACTIVITIES
--as they pull their crowded vehicle in looking for open space,
walking, welcome,
relaxation, and
comfort:

and
DON’T BREATHE.

Now, I realize that many, if not all of those No-No’s, the forever “Don’t” list, are mostly common sense and common courtesy, so I’m not disagreeing with the prohibitions themselves per se.

And having had to get very legal at times with students and our own children when they tried to find technical loopholes to skirt the obvious--“She got in the way of my foot”--and other tall tales, I figure this eye-sore sign/billboard/HALT was originally only a short list that kept getting added to by traveler stupidities and passer-by self-centered myopia.

Yes, yes…
BUT who wants to pull into a ‘rest area’ looking for comfort and relaxation from a long haul, or even only a stressful travel day,
to this humongous, almost legal code, sign spitting you in the eye?

Not a friendly welcome sign, with a huge cartoonish grin, like some states have on their borders.

No instead, endless regulations STOP you,
even before you can rush your kids into the restrooms.

And the sign is ALWAYS blocking good scenery picture sites.

Big Politician doesn’t want YOU to miss it. You can’t, and though a law-abiding citizen, you have secret wishes that some local would back his tow truck into it, or for a teenager to get original with punny graffiti.

It’s the same on Oregon beaches. When we spotted a beautiful pullout along Oregon’s coastal highway, we slowed down and stopped for a walk on the beach and hopefully some great photo shots.

Instead, when I tried to take a picture of the rocks looming out in the waves like gigantic humpbacked whales, and framed by beautiful evergreens, I couldn’t avoid a very large, glaring in-your-face go-away PROHIBITED sign.

Yes, other states have signs which protect snowy plovers, “Don’t walk on the protected feathers!” And, “Danger Riptides,” and so forth.

But no place wins the award for Inhospitality like Oregon tourist signs: "Shut up! Stay out! Get your rear back on the road. Go away!"
None quite like Oregon beaches and rest areas.

--

In the Light,

Daniel Wilcox

Corny Quaker Humor

Today, let’s take a break from all the spiritual reflection, historical commentary, and theological analysis, and instead tell a few jokes.

But I can’t until the Spirit moves me;-) Besides we haven’t formed at least 7 committees to discuss it. Then give us a ‘minute’ to write it all out and pass it on? Whatever happened to “Be still and know”?)

Yes, I do have my corny side. In junior high, joking was my first name. You see, I’m from Nebraska—“Shucks, yah, I’m a cornhusker from way back. Lots of corn…

--

‘Herd about’ the Quaker cowgirl, Patty, who got caught and surrounded in a stampede?

--

Or what about that young Quaker girl who didn’t want to move from Philadelphia to Erie, Pennsylvania on Halloween.

She started crying and blubbering, “But, Dad, it will be too eerie!”

--

Consider the case of the Quaker student about to take a test on William Penn. He turned around in his desk and asked the girl behind him, “Got a ‘pencil, Vania’?”
--

This is a long one like so many teachers' lectures;-):

Or how about the 2 college freshmen? Their professor was lecturing, “When William Penn founded a colony in America, he chose the name Sylvania (forest or woods in Latin). But King Charles II chose otherwise and named it Pennsylvania for William’s father.”

“Even though Penn was of British aristocratic heritage, his conversion to faith in Christ, led him to seek to live a humble, altruistic life. Because of his honesty and respect toward the Indians, there was peace in Pennsylvania between the Indians and European immigrants for about 50 years!”

“But then came the next generation of Quakers. They didn’t live in the Light of God, but instead focused on themselves and cheated the Indians of much land. Then they worried about the various tribes attacking.”

Finally, the professor asked the class, “Do you see how the colony changed for the worse when the colonists turned from the Way of God?”

“Yes,” piped up a freshman, the later Quakers were “pensive-vain--

Yah” butted in another student.
--

Did you hear the one about the Quaker who raised ducks but didn’t like how they kept saying “Quack, quack.”

So he gave them crackers each time he got them to stop saying “quack, quack.” But then they started padding about his yard squawking, “Quacker, Quacker!”

Finally, he switched to feeding them with oats but wouldn't you know it, they squawked, “‘Quacker’ Oats!”
--

There is an old Quaker joke about a stranger who came into a Quaker meeting. Nothing was happening, so the man leaned over and asked one of the Friends, "When is the service going to start?"

The Friend whispered back, "The service will start outside after the end of worship."
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What are the only 2 musical instruments that Quakers disapprove of? ‘Sax and violins.’
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Heard about the Friendly little kitty who came into meeting, but got stepped on, and screeched, “Me-Owie”?

"Shhh," said the clerk. "This isn't a Pentecostal meeting!"

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There was this elderly Quaker man who had constipation troubles. When he took his young pup out for a walk in the neighborhood, the puppy suddenly squatted, then turned and looked and barked, “Bow-el, wow!”

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Lastly, there’s the Quaker store manager who refused to sell liquor, at least he said, not until he was in the “Spirits.”

Instead, he sold tea—and sold so much of that he loved totaling up his earnings!

Because you see, he was a ‘tea-totaler.’


Lightsomely,

Daniel Wilcox